WHAT FOLLOWS IS MY OWN PERSONAL SELF EXPRESSION OF WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE PAST 5 DAYS. THIS IS NOT MEANT TO OFFEND. THIS IS ME EXPRESSING MYSELF IN MY MOST PERSONAL, RAWEST FORM.
On Sat, Jul 2, 2011 at 7:02 AM
day 2
doctor: im…im going to be straight forward with you. it looks like you are having a miscarriage.
the embryo is only 6 weeks and 3 days. he makes me feel like a fraud. like i have been living a lie and leading everyone on to be happy for me and to think i was carrying a baby
i’m bleeding into the tub looking at the big deep red clots coming from inside me wondering…. was that the tissue that was supposed to be my baby. the tissue that was to grow and become the person i would love like no other.
yesterday i felt like super woman. today i feel like a failed woman.
i feel like i am being punished for having two abortions. my mom says that God is not a punishing God and to not think that.
i wish they made vicodin for sadness
two days ago i was looking at my us weekly magazine, identifying with the women on the “baby bump watch” list pictures. envisioning myself wearing a long flowy floral dress holding my stomach as the wind softly blew my hair to make me look like fertile sexy WOMAN
part of me feels like i want to have sex with anyone and everyone. like i want to be careless and in stark contrast to the protective, inverted version of myself i had become in the past two months.
i want to drink and get so drunk out of my mind. have sex with random strangers.
tonight i ate some mexican cheese and had coke. i had caffeine. the thing that i had not had but craved like mad in the past two months. it wasn’t that good
all of me wants to be reckless but 1/2 of me wants to stay pure.
i think that the baby is up in heaven with my father. my sister agrees. but what gave this fetus a soul? did my other two aborted fetuses have souls too? what about them?
i keep hearing names and i was so used to considering every name i heard. now every name i hear makes my heart sinks a little
i go onto miscarriage message boards and the women have little banners counting the days since they lost their baby. one says i love you even though we never met. i am not sure i feel the same way. did i love the fetus that was growing inside me? the thing that was making me see my life and make me examine the woman i am and the woman i needed to become? i am not sure. i know i was in love with the ideas of what could become
On Sun, Jul 3, 2011 at 1:21 PM
day 3
i was so foolish to think that the bleeding would be over last night. this morning the cramps and bleeding are back strong. i am expelling huge blood clots or the lining of the uterus. two times i have felt clots coming out and tried to make them land into the toilet but they fall to the floor before i can sit on the toilet. blood is splattered all over the bathroom floor and running down my legs.
i am in shock. i look at the clots and wonder if any of them contain the cluster of cells that was the fetus. i just stand there with the blood running down my legs and stare at the bloody mess. i touch each clot, feeling around but i am not sure what i am looking for. it is sort of beautiful in some way. i feel so much physical and emotional pain but i feel like it is real life.
in a rage of anger i tell my husband that i wish he was going thru this and not me. i know its mean, but right now i feel like no one understands what i am going thru. i am so angry at the doctor for giving me zero warning of the physical and emotional pain that was ahead of me. i wish he could have just taken everything out at once while i was in the ER or in his office. but i get it. that is a separate procedure. i have medi cal and it was the friday afternoon 3pm before the long holiday weekend.
i am going to have to go thru this naturally. let it all pass. the only thing that gives me strength is knowing that so many women have gone through this before me. i am feeling their strength inside. i am also feeling so compassionate about the women who have suffered through more than one of these.
i’m tired of going through a pad every few minutes so i decide to just sit at the edge of the tub and let it come out. the bright red of the blood against the white of the tub fascinates me. my small window less bathroom fills with the strong mineral scene of the blood. carlos is furiously cleaning the bloody floor and toilet with lysol wipes and the room smells like blood and lysol.
On Sun, Jul 3, 2011 at 1:37 PM
it hurts so much. i think i am having contractions. it feels better if i walk around. i remember when my dog Joy was in labor. she was walking around a lot too. smart bitch.
On Mon, Jul 4, 2011 at 10:54 AM
day 4
i have stopped taking the prenatal pills i have been taking since january. i dont know if i want to continue taking them or if i even want to try again.
i am documenting the blood that is coming out of my body. i want to do a blog and post my experience with the bloody pictures on my site. i know it will not be received well by most people. is it crude, in bad taste, too graphic, just plain wrong? yes it is all of those things. but i dont care. it is real. it is what happens to real women all the time. there are tons of highly graphic and sexualized images of me online already. which i am totally and completely proud of. but if that is ok, then why cant these images be ok? it is what is happening to me. it is real. this happens to many women. i am documenting what i am going through. and i am doing it for the selfish reason of catharsis. documenting the blood dripping down my legs onto the floor and onto my bathtub eases both the physical pain i am feeling at the moment and the emotional pain i feel when each thick clot leaves my body. instead of focusing on wondering which clot contains the embryo of my never developed dream i am focusing on how visually stunning the red blood looks against my skin. so what? i have used sex and sexual images to make statements before. these images are in no way sexual, but they are real and this is what real women go through. if one end of the spectrum can be expressed, then why cant i express the other end of what i am going through. i am not doing this for reaction, i am simply and purely expressing what i am going through in all its raw forms. looking at this through an artistic perspective gives me the distance that i need. doing it this way is the only thing that is preventing me from crying my eyes out like i did on day 1. i dont want to cry. maybe this is the only way i can feel that i can have a certain control over a situation i really have no control over at all.
On Tue, Jul 5, 2011 at 4:08 PM
day 5
i am pissed off!!! i was supposed to see my doctor today for a follow up exam and i was brushed off by his idiot staff because he was too busy. i am so frustrated…. beyond words. i would like to know that everything has passed the way it should have. the bleeding has pretty much stopped.
i have been reading things online that have helped. a great article i read said that the body knows how to take care of itself.
last night sitting in my dark apartment looking out at the 180 degree of los angeles seeing all the fireworks illuminate the sky, hearing all the whistles and booms from the fireworks, i felt so small. i felt small the way i do when i am standing staring out into the ocean. it felt good to feel so small. i felt like i was a part of this living, breathing city i love to hate. i felt connected to the world. somehow in that smallness i found comfort laying on my bed in my husband’s arms.
i am sad that i had to go through this, but also grateful. this experience has made me stronger. it has brought my husband and i closer together. i have perspective. he and i have gone through so much and in the end we always support each other, coming out stronger as individuals and as a team. true partners in every sense of the word. i am in no way happy that this happened but like all my struggles i have survived through, i am a different person. stronger. more of who i am supposed to become.